Intrusive Thoughts
*** PRE-WARNING this topic is quite in your face.
Please if this discussion is too much, skip to the next blog post.
I will say this topic needs to be spoken about, people need the light of knowing you are not alone, in this scary dark place.
If you are currently scared for you or your baby. Get help! Call 000
If you, your partner or anyone involved in the care of Baby, need someone to talk to call PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia).
PANDA supports parents and families during pregnancy and throughout the first year of parenthood. PANDA's Mental Health Helpline provides access to counselling and information to support mental health and wellbeing, informed by evidence-informed mental healthcare practice, and the expertise of people with a lived experience.
Alternatively, Mum in The Trenches resource page provides a great starting place to work out opyions of support and what pathway may aid you.
So straight into it. If you are feeling like you should be placed in solitary confinement for the things you are thinking in regards to your beautiful newborn baby. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! No one talks about it. No one warns you. And it is one of the biggest shocks to get your head around.
I literally thought I was going crazy. I started asking myself, is Nella safe with me? What is wrong with me?
Giving a lot of myself to this blog and being vulnerable for you all to know you are not alone! Here are just a few of some of my intrusive thoughts.
Will I knock her head on that door frame?
What if I drop her?
What if the dog’s mall her?
Will she drown in the bath or shower?
What if I forget about her?
What if that person holding her drops her?
Then you get ones that just spiral on and on, out of control…
What if the pram tips over? Or rolls in front of a car? Or what if I crash the car?
What if I slip with her in the bath? What if she goes under? What if someone held her under? What if I held her under?
WHAT IF… WHAT IF… WHAT IF…
Of course, 99.9% (plucked that stat from nowhere) of these horrible scenarios are not going to happen. But the visceral feeling to these is unnerving and so darn real.
It is a protective mechanism our female brain does to pre-empt any threat to our baby. But without anyone talking about it and the knowledge that it is coming, these thoughts hit you like a tone of bricks. Well, they certainly did for me. I felt like I was going down a dark rabbit whole and I knew it was wrong but I just kept digging and digging. The air was getting thinner and the light darker. Will I ever surface? And if I do, will I ever be the same?
They say knowledge is power or there is power in knowledge. In this case, intrusive thoughts, my oh my what power to know you are normal, this is a normal trait of becoming a mother. What extra strength I could have mustered to push these constant lingering contemplations aside, understanding this is habitual. I am not going to do this to my baby, but I am thinking this to prevent it from happening to my baby.
You would think being a Neonatal and Paediatric Nurse would help with these intrusive thoughts. That I would have the forth sight to know it was not going to happen. To be able to hold onto the logic and ignore the anxiety building from these horrible thoughts. To even be aware this was a thing before I had Nella. Yet, no! If anything, I think I spiralled more! Thinking about every common or ridiculoously rare medical condition, illness or injury that could possibly happen or be happening. Like what is this rash? Is it X, Y or Z? Why is her poo green and mucousy? Is she pale or is it me? Is she a failure to thrive?
I have the most beautiful baby and I am wondering about her potential demise in the most awful ways. It is so scary. Logically I know she is safe; in fact, I know I am over qualified to have her. But somehow, I felt utterly disconnected to her and myself because I am scared out of my wits. This tiny little human entrusted to me, to love and care for and I am thinking such horrendous thoughts and constantly asking myself, WTF is wrong with me?
Take home message here…
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!
THIS IS NORMAL!!
LET’S START THE CONVERSATION ABOUT THIS!
Intrusive thoughts not only happen in early parenthood and other mental health conditions but are a normal experience for many people, especially during times of stress. We all have thousands of thoughts a day and it is not uncommon to feel overwhelmed or anxious that in turn may generate distressing thoughts.
The disturbing or violent nature of these thoughts may be the cause of us not talking about them, as they are socially unacceptable. However, these thoughts are not a sign of weakness of desire to act. Actually, the very fact they are so distressing to you or I is evidence that we would not act on them.
So let them out, talk with friends, family or even a health professional because the more we acknowledge and understand them, the better we can handle them, and normalise/help one another.
Perinatal mental health challenges are serious and can involve a lot of stigma. So with me lets continue to discuss the unspoken topics and share.
Whenny
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